Pizza Hut is looking for a sports and pizza loving person to hire as their “Pizza Hut All-American.” The lucky new employee gets to travel the country going to sports championships and eating pizza. Sounds like they’d be living the dream, right? Wrong. I’m calling bullshit and formally taking my hat out of the ring. Here are the reasons why.
This whole thing is based around COLLEGE sports.
“Every year, the NCAA crowns 90 National Champions. That’s a whopping 90 times a team has bested everyone else – through mud and sweat, bruises and tears. And for some crazy reason, every year, we (mostly) hear about just a handful of those 90 wins. Sure, March Madness, the College Football Championship, the Frozen Four, the College World Series…those are all GREAT. But what about golf? And bowling? Or skiing? Field hockey? Gymnastics? Fans of those sports are just as passionate as those who love football and basketball.”
I live in Boston. I don’t think there are many parts of the country that are as indifferent to college sports as we are. The reason for this is two-fold: we have kickass professional sports teams to follow, and the local college teams aren’t exactly known for being powerhouses. Unless you’re an alumni (I’m not,) why would you need to follow BC Football when you can just watch the Patriots Kill Everyone tour every Sunday? The local college hockey teams are pretty good, but again, I’m not an alumnae of any of those schools so I don’t really care. I would be down to root for UCONN basketball since I grew up in Connecticut and naturally have a soft spot for them, but that leaves 88 other championships to attend. One upside: there would be soooo many over/under bets to make!
My life right now is WAY more comfortable.
The All-American will be on the road. A lot. So, he/she should be prepared for adventure, but also prepared to face any challenge – from flight delays and rain delays, to finding a dry cleaner that can get grass stains out of a mascot costume. “Must be willing to travel as needed by air, land, sea and PH delivery vehicle.”
Fuck. That. Flight delays are the worst, rain delays just mean spending more money on concessions. What is this mascot costume dry cleaner nonsense? I don’t go to the dry cleaner, ever. Travel by Pizza Hut delivery vehicle? Ugh. I would honestly rather keep my MBTA commute. My favorite way to watch sports is on my couch wearing sweatpants and eating Buffalo Chicken Dip and pizza with my french bulldog napping on top of me. On that note, this entire job description barely mentions pizza. Pizza Hut, maybe guarantee unlimited pizza or something to sweeten the deal? You are looking for the biggest sports AND pizza fan after all. I’m not going leave my loved ones behind to travel the country going to championship after championship for you unless I know that my belly is gonna be full of pan pizza.
The compensation is not great.
Term: November 14, 2016 through June 30, 2017
Status: Independent Contractor
Subject to execution of comprehensive Talent Agreement
Six-month non-compete will apply
$50k for 7 & 1/2 months of work seems pretty decent, right? Except, oh wait, you have to pay taxes on that, so you’re coming away with closer to $30k after all is said and done. AND you’re an independent contractor which most likely means no insurance or other benefits. (I am NOT trying to give up my 401k match.) AND you have to deal with a six-month non-compete. If you’re anybody with any sort of social media standing, that non-compete casually thrown in for so little money is bananas. With all of the travel & odd hours involved (sports, duh) you’re probably “on the job” more than 40 hours a week, too. No. Thanks. I’ll keep my office job, load up my DraftKings account, and watch the Patriots / Red Sox / Celtics / Bruins from home.
All that being said, Pizza Hut – if I’m the pizza and sports aficionado you need for the job, hit me up. I just need double the money, a year’s worth of pizza, and a Super Bowl trip thrown in.