As if there wasn’t enough to be sad about in the world, KFC came out with a “chizza” recently. I didn’t want to address them, but then my friend Vincent from Taste of Massachusetts tagged me in a screenshot of KFC’s tweet, and it made me feel things. Things like: mad, sad, awkward, disappointed, and scammed.
I guess, hypothetically, if I were an executive at Yum! Brands, and my job was to come up with gimmicky new food products, combining KFC’s fried chicken and pizza is an okay idea.
First, I guess we need to break down exactly what a chizza is in the first place.
Step one: Fried chicken as “crust”. I would rather have carbs over fried chicken if I had to pick a vice, but sure, it is for KFC after all.
Step two: Pizza sauce. Okay, whatever.
Step three: “Chicken ham.” Oh yeah? Chicken ham? Like, “Yo I heard you like chicken so we made some chicken out of ham so you can have chicken on your chicken?”
Step four: Pineapple chunks. I’m guessing to go with the ham? What even is chicken ham? Is it ham? Is it chicken? Don’t most people hate pineapple on pizza???
Step five: Mozzarella cheese SAUCE. SAUCE. They didn’t think it was worth it to just throw a few shreds of real cheese on there? What a shame… A disgusting insult to pizzas everywhere. Be better than a lunchable, KFC.
Needless to say, if you do a little digging, every actual chizza in the real world looks absolutely terrible.
When all is said and done, I guess the fried chicken looks alright. That’s the nicest thing I can say about chizza.
I just feel sad and angry that this kind of gimmick is a part of the food industry now. Huge companies are serving these creations to the masses (although usually in China or somewhere else nowhere near America,) not because it’s good, but because it will go viral. If I had to guess, I’d say that the executives up in the sky don’t even care that their fast food Frankenstein monsters go viral solely for being terrible. Things have gone too far.
Live look at Yum! Brands headquarters while I write this blog:
If it turns out, KFC, that you didn’t mean for the chizza to be a terrible example of what’s wrong with the world today, I’d be happy to work with you to come up with a better version. Have your people call my people.