Boston just got another snowstorm, so with it being super gross out and having a work from home day, I wasn’t too keen on cooking a whole new meal. That’d involve going to the grocery store so noooo thanks. Thankfully though, I have a bunch of Real Good Pizzas in the fridge, and I’ve nailed the art of cooking them. It takes a little while, but I cook two of them in the oven for 18 minutes at 425 degrees, and then heat them up on the stove top for a few extra minutes. This makes sure that the crust (which is made of chicken!) is as close to resembling carbs as possible. Add some wine and a touch of garlic salt, and voilà – I’m ready to snuggle on the couch and recap The Bachelor.
So, we left off last week with Nick having a mental breakdown. He’s scared that none of these connections are genuine… spoiler alert, they’re not real life. I said this before and I’ll say it again – why not just date in real life and not on TV? Oh yeah that doesn’t pay the mortgage.
The remaining 6 girls move on to another island.. Bimini. Looks nice I guess. Vanessa gets the first one-on-one and Corrine is pissed. She was dreaming of having the kind of one-on-one with Nick that Bruno Mars sings slow jams about.
Vanessa and Nick’s date involves going on a date and snorkeling. They talk about their feelings and it’s boring. Real life relationships don’t involve being “so glad we got over the issues from St. Thomas” while lounging around the Bahamas… I’m definitely just being petty because I need an island vacation in my life and I’m jealous.
There’s no way that the Bachelor producers don’t have Corrine make hometowns. We need to meet Raquel! Can you imagine if Corrine was around for the days of vh1’s Bachelor knockoff shows? God that would have been gold.
Group date – Raven, Corrine, and Kristina go swimming with SHARKS. Where’s Alexis when you need her? Aw man. None of these girls want to do it so obviously it’s a great activity choice. Hey Nick if it’s so much fun why don’t you get in the shark’s face? Yeah that’s what I thought. Kristina is like “NOPE” after about 30 seconds which is honestly not surprising- she didn’t leave her entire family and get adopted in America for this shit.
In kind of a BS move, apparently they’ve decided to confirmed that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette, and it was all over twitter during this episode. They announced it last night on Kimmel, which has me confused. Does she not make the hometown dates? That’s kind of a pre-requisite. And if she does make hometowns, does that mean this episode and next week’s are just spoiled for us?
Back to us – Corrine stress eating cheese and fake crying about her “stress eating” her feelings is me at least twice a week. I’ve never simultaneously related so much to and so much not to a contestant in Bachelor history.
Raven’s parents are crazy in love like Beyonce and Jay-Z, except they survived a cancer diagnosis. Thankfully he’s in remission, but it sounds like Raven’s life kind of got put on hold because of it. Still like her a lot and guarantee she makes it to hometowns. I kinda want to see Raven on Bachelor in Paradise yet I think she’s also too good for it. Who knows though!
Raven gets the group date rose which only means one thing… Corrine will bust out her vagine of platinum – highlight of the season probably. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky / Michael Scott / Corrine
Danielle’s date is also boring. Wow cool a bike ride. What are you guys, 12? I guess these island dates couldn’t be the swimming pigs every time. Life tip: follow them on Instagram, they’re amazing.
“Danielle is so nice and sweet and as boring as a dead person.” – Nick. They have zero chemistry and I can’t help but wonder why she’s here but Alexis isn’t. Watching the end of this date is like staring at a train wreck. I also wrote this entire paragraph while not realizing I was typing the wrong name, so that tells you how memorable she is. Bye girl. Go bask in the glory of being a Bachelor cast-off who moves to Nashville.
Corrine and Nick kind of hook up which frankly I’m surprised he hasn’t done more of (at least on camera.) I could NEVER be on a show like this where you’re put into situations like Raven’s like you have a super romantic night and are on top of the world and then two seconds later Corrine is seducing your boyfriend like she’s Tom Brady trying to overcome a 25 point deficit in the Super Bowl.
I just can’t hate on Corrine turning on the sex charm. If she were one of my besties I’d be blowing up her phone like “YESSS GIRL GIVE UPDATES!” Nick loves it too. Maybe they are destined to be together after all? Crazier things have happened. I could DEFINITELY do without the audio of the lead-up but for Nick to call it quits and call him hooking up with Kaitlyn a mistake is ENRAGING. Are you kidding? Ugh. Nick is the worst.
After all of this, Kristina gets eliminated? WTF? Do we really need to watch another episode with Rachel on hometowns while knowing she’s the Bachelorette? Since when do the Bachelor producers care about spoilers being out in the open…? TBH Reality Steve has pretty much called it every season so I’m not sure why they’re bothering getting ahead of it now. I guess because it’s obvious? IDK man.